Living within my flames

25th March came around too soon the weekend just disappeared. It was 0630 and I was already awake waiting to go to the hospital. Mummy loaded me into the car both of us hungry and thirsty, fasting sucks. We got to the hospital and were booked in. I had to share a room with a screaming baby, not very nice I know but I’m 10yrs old and nearly a teenager. I had a funky gown which was a little too big (my bum was on show) and two plastic paper type name tags 1 on my wrist 1 on my ankle. That’s when it all went wrong. I waited and waited then waited some more and then when we got bored of that we did some more waiting just for the fun of it. Finally at 1530 the nurses came round and told us the operation had been canceled for today come back tomorrow, we hadn’t eaten since 2200 and had been sitting in the hospital since 0715. Massive cock up number 4!!! (Only massive because I was really really hungry and thirsty).

26th March D-day part two. I spent the night before eating as much as I could because I knew all too well what happens when that clock turned to midnight. Again a lovely nice early start for me and mummy. We arrived back at the hospital at 0730 just in time. We sat waiting in the children’s play room listening to poorly children cry with pain and boredom. My name was called by a lovely nurse who introduced herself as Debbie. We were taken through the double doors and onto the ward. Thoughts of dread filled my head “please don’t let me be in a side room with screaming children” after all I’m not sick. The thoughts of dread soon went when Debbie stopped outside the empty teenage bay, it was a 6 bed sideward and not a single soul on it apart from me!! The normal paper work was redone and my obs taken. Today was different from yesterday it was quiet and calm. Dr Iyer came to see mummy and I and said I would be going down very soon. The smell of breakfast going around the ward was making my tummy rumble even louder than before. A few boring hours past then the porter arrived pushing the bed of doom. New pants moment number 2!! Debbie couldn’t come with us down to theatre so another lady Linda came instead. Mummy was trying hard to fight back the tears I could see it in her face. They wheeled me into the room where lots of people where waiting for me. Mummy holding my leg so I knew she was there. They fussed around me putting sticky pads on my chest and cuffs on my arms I was then asked if I wanted to go to sleep with a mask or with an injection. I thought the needle way would be quicker so that was the one that I did. I remember looking at mummy as my eyes got heavy, she kissed my forehead and I drifted off to sleep. What I didn’t know was as mummy was fighting back the tears as I went to sleep I said to her “mummy make them stop…..” I thought I managed to say all that I was trying to say which should of been “mummy make the tears stop you don’t need to cry”. It felt like I was asleep for 5 mins before I woke up in a cold empty funky smelling room with a throat that felt like I’d drank rubber, guess it was from the tube down my throat. I looked at my right hand it was covered by bandages and in a funny position. It felt really really cold to me and almost like it wasn’t mine anymore. Mummy came walking around the corner with Debbie and Linda beside her. I asked how long I was asleep for and was shocked to find out I had been out cold away from mummy for nearly 3 hours. I tell you one thing though I was so hungry I thought I could eat a 6 course meal. The porter arrived with the trolley of doom and I was taken back to the ward. After about 30 mins I was allowed some food and drink. Daddy arrived to be with us (he finished work early) I felt ok I got myself dressed and took myself off to the toilet a few times.

Yeah, not only had I just woken up from a operation my hand in a funny position, feeling like it wasn’t mine anymore, but now physio’s have arrived at the bed side. The nerve block didn’t work, my hand not only hurt worse than before but now it felt like it belonged to someone else. Mummy, daddy and I were walked through the hospital to the other side where the physio department is. The dressings that were put on where taken off and I was measured for a plastic splint. Now this is cock up number 5. THE BLOCK HADN’T WORKED!! No matter how much I said it really hurts my screams shouts and tears where all greeted the same way….”you’ve just had a block done you CAN’T feel this at all”. It’s my body right? It’s still my hand? I’m not mad I know I’m not it bloody hurts!!!! They pushed the back of my hand down so it was flat on the piece of paper they were drawing my hand on. The pain was worse than ever ten million red hot needles jabbed into my hand, my whole hand burst into flames the pain raged deep inside spiralling out of control, one big problem no one could see the fire that consumed my whole hand and now my arm. The eyes that stared at me all had the same look “DRAMA QUEEN ALERT!!!” I thought my ordeal was over for now but I oh how wrong was I!!!

I was taken over to a chair and sat beside a “hot wax” bath, it was more warm than hot so why call it a “hot” wax bath?. They told me to place my hand in side it and then bring it back out. I was still trying to deal with the pain as best I could but my screams I couldn’t hold in. Mummy and Daddy tried to calm me down and gave words of encouragement but what would they know its my arm consumed by invisible flames not theirs. I felt so alone like no one would ever understand.

After 30 mins of taking my hand in and out of the “hot wax” I was allowed to peel it all off. Shaking and weak I was taken back up to the ward where we were allowed to go home. Mummy was handed a card with a full list of appointments on it for physio.